The Hazards of Self Improvement
At one point, the anxiety and self doubt were so intense that I wanted OUT.
Not to die necessarily, but just not be me any more. Not to be stuck with this body, with this head that insisted on overthinking everything 3 times over.
That was AFTER I awakened. Once i’d be come Self Aware….and then more and more Self Aware….until micro-managing my own experience was a normal part of life.
As I stumbled my way through the old pain, with the new way being born, I was bumping into myself over and over again.
Trying to control. Trying not to feel. Trying to shape shift into who I wanted to be without actually letting go of who i’d been before.
I didn’t know what to do. I was stumped. Lost. None of my tools were working. I was sick of ‘clearing’ all the time and feeling so stressed.
More than anything I just wanted the basic, everyday parts of life to feel EASEFUL. Joyful.
Just for a day.
Not to fret about choosing the ‘right’ colour dress of having the ‘right’ kind of herbal tea with breakfast.
Not to worry about whether my field felt ‘clean’ enough for the people around me to believe that I was the ‘real deal’.
…and every step further into my head I travelled, the more I disconnected from the full power of my True Self.
No wonder I felt lost.
I reached breaking point, and as my fear and my ego cracked open, I realised what I’d be doing all along.
I’d be hiding from Life. Hiding from my Self. Hiding from the limitless Love that ached to flow through me – out of fear. Fear of being ‘un-bridled’. Out of control. Fear of my Full Power.
What would that mean? To be fully grounded in my Sacred Feminine Power. Surely i’d be abandoned. Exiled. Burned at the stake. It couldn’t be safe. Could it?
For a while the thought was terrifying, but then as I gently I freed myself from my fear…
… I felt something else.
It was warm. It was deep. It was unbelievably grounded. It rumbled through the depths of my belly as I arched my back to make space for it.
It was Her. The sacred feminine Flow that i’d locked away for so long.
She birthed a new way of being into the world. ‘No more!’ I declared. I will no longer be held hostage by my thoughts and my perfectionism.
‘Be free’ she implored. For this life is here to be danced. “Immerse yourself in the movement my child, and tear your eyes from the mirror just for a moment. Land here with Life and I will guide you.”
“If you follow me into the Wild, you will find that you are lost no more.
What I found there changed me. Parts of myself I never could have accepted before. The obnoxious streak. The show-off. The powerful healer. The needy child.
…and as I welcomed them in, I stopped fighting Life. I removed my battered shoes, that had once seemed so important..
…and I danced.